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I have so many mixed thoughts, ups and downs, sleepless nights. I need to talk about it, but it hurts too bad, so today I decided to blog about it...
I love my husband so much, I never imagined us to part, I saw us as a happy family that would continue to multiply and grow together...
My love for him is like no other. The love for our boys is of course non stop and ever lasting as it should be. My question is why can I not stop loving *him* and desiring him in my life. I suppose this is mourning the loss of my marriage....
Divorce had to happen -- I no longer felt safe for myself or my children -- he yelled at me to leave and I finally did.... Why can't I *get it*.. Why have I not embraced DIVORCE.. The word itself makes me skip a heartbeat -- I don't want it to happen. I want to fix him and have the life I loved so much...
The bad memories are there, I hate to bring them up because it hurts so bad, but that is the only way I can remind myself that being with him does *hurt*.... I remembered just this past year -- he missed our oldest sons bday (ended up missing all of the 3 boys bdays). We drove across country to CO as a family -- I had a blast, he blew up when we arrived in OH and said the trip was miserable bc the kids and I came. On my birthday, he handed me a phone for our oldest son, it was a flawed phone he used - I looked through it and found NUMEROUS pictures and videos of HIM having sex with other women -- most were recent... I knew the marriage was over -- as he had cheated before... He would always threaten to leave/never see the boys again and somehow make me feel like it was completely my fault.
We did begin to talk and he promised to get therapy again (he always did pretty good with therapy- ok one out of the 3 he saw...) He went back to CO for a bachelor trip of a friend. When the wedding came around I was so excited bc this would be our *first date* post the recent issues -- He ignored me most of the week (keep in mind we were living apart). Then I was without power bc of a storm -- for a week -- I begged him to let the kids and I come to stay with him and he refused. FInally after the wedding he told me *All of the other guys that went on the bachelor trip with me have fit beautiful wives and I didn't want you to embarrass me*
So what the heck is wrong with me?? I shouldn't want any kind of life with him -- The only reason I am staying away is because the kids fear him (as I do)... I still want to help him and make him better -- he needs help!
